4 pronoun mistakes that can torpedo your leadership

How much thought do you give to the pronouns you use when speaking to your team?

If you are like me, not much. That is until I started to notice the impact they have on group dynamic.

Used in the right way, they engender trust. But too often, we use them in the wrong way, which creates disengagement.

Here are four mistakes we as leaders make in our use of pronouns (and how changes can make them work for us rather than against us):

Mistake #1: Using “we” to create a false sense of camaraderie when presenting new ideas.

It isn’t uncommon for a leader to speak to a group using the pronoun “we” to create tacit agreement.

This is fine when we are talking about ideas that have permeated our organization’s culture. But it can have immediate and forceful pushback when we use the pronoun “we” to present new ideas we want our organizations to adopt.

Instead of hearing our ideas, listeners get sidelined by internal “I” dialogue. I don’t think like that. I don’t want that change. I didn’t agree to that.

We have to be cautious with the use of “we” in presenting new ideas. It keeps us from stepping on the tripwire of the natural inclination to resist being persuaded.

Mistake #2: Using “we” for unpopular decisions “I” made.

Have you ever been part of a group who had “blame shifting” as part of the culture? Leaders in those organizations always use the pronoun “we” when expressing decisions.

Why?

So that if people are angry, they are angry at the broader group (or someone else entirely).

We’ve decided to lay you off.

We’ve decided to cut expenses by 30%.

We’re going to pull the plug on this program.

As leaders, we have to take ownership of the hard decisions we author (even if others were part of that decision) and be willing to take the hit.

Anything less is dishonest. And the people we work with pick up on that fast.

Mistake #3: Using “I” for things “we” accomplished.

Nothing can deflate us more quickly than having someone else take credit for our ideas. Yet there is a big temptation for leaders to use the word “I” instead of “we” when sharing collaborative concepts — especially when we are in situations where we want to impress another leader.

Jim Collins illustrated this well in his book, Good to Great. Collins uses the metaphor of the mirror and the window to describe “Level 5 Leadership.” He explains that Level 5 leaders look to the mirror (at themselves) when assigning blame and out the window (toward others) when assigning credit.

When we discuss accomplishments, we have to get the pronouns right. The idea of the self-made leader is a myth. None of us get to where we are without the contributions of the smart, motivated and talented people helping us.

Mistake #4: Using “us vs. them” within the organization.

All companies have an “us vs. them” story — usually about a competitor. Much like sports teams are energized to greatness when competing against a worthy rival, having an “us vs. them” framework can make you try just a little bit harder to differentiate and win.

The problem is when we focus those pronouns internally.

When “us vs. them” stories are told within a team, they are almost always damaging. They create competition rather than collaboration. This happens whenever management talks about people on the front line saying “if they would only.” Or when the C-suite talks about management, “they don’t have a clue.”

Personally, I’ve seen this work negatively in a company I served where the divisions were so pitted against each other, that no one was allowed to help someone outside their division. (A co-worker was scolded for showing me how to use a plotter.)

“Us vs. them” is a powerful pronoun framework. Focused externally, it can motivate. But, use it to your peril internally, because it erodes trust.

The truth about pronouns.

Sometimes, our pronouns are just artifacts of the command-and-control structures we grew up in, but they can also reveal the underlying framework of how we think about things.

The good news is: we can proactively shift our thoughts by shifting our language.

You might be amazed at what it does for your leadership. It had real impact on mine.

//Are you looking for a keynote at your next event? Connect with me at Idibri.com.